Wonderland

I’m ready.
I can’t wait to leave.
I need my own space. To breathe.
My parents raised me with a lot of freedom. They sent me off to Spain when I was eleven to spend the summer there learning Spanish. I’ve traveled the world alone. I can drive and take care of myself. I would wake myself up for school in the morning and drive myself home at 10 P.M. after practice. I basically took care of myself so college just seemed like the natural progression. To finally be relieved of the overbearing weight of my parents' presence hanging over me. It’s not that they were constantly making sure I had things straight and that my life was in check, but because I was under their roof I felt the responsibility to fulfill their expectations and keep them proud.


Week 1: I’m so homesick.
I don’t get it. I was so ready, so independent. Why, after a long hard senior year looking forward to leaving home, did I miss it? Perhaps I wasn’t as independent as I’d thought. One thing is for sure, I definitely underestimated the presence of my parents. Even though they weren’t driving me to school or waking me up in the morning, their company was a reassuring source of stability that grounded my daily routine. It was reassuring, when I was up at three in the morning, to know that my parents were peacefully sleeping in the room next door. They were with me.
It’s as though my heart can feel the 3,000 miles that separate us. Surrounded by 70,000 people I feel alone because of the mere fact that no matter how many people I’m with on a daily basis, their company doesn’t provide me with the comfort of my family. It’s the quality over quantity.


I feel like Alice. Standing in an empty hall surrounded by closed doors. I know which one I should open. My parents raised me to walk through, head on, and face the world to which it leads me. Because my parents aren’t here I dread walking through the door. Some people have fight or flight, but I have freeze. My responsibilities might be plentiful but they aren’t difficult. So why am I so scared to just get them done with? But that’s what I do. I stand in the empty room, surrounded by closed doors, knowing which to open, and just stand there right before the timer runs out before my hand reaches for the knob. The suspense torments me. I rather endure the anxiety and stress inflicted upon myself by standing and staring than the ease of walking through. The thought suffocates me: I know what to do and how to do it, but I won’t.


Is this my space? Where I can breathe?

Comments

  1. ghaliApril 8, 2019 at 12:43 AM

    I like how you compare yourself to Alice, and I think that going to Hong Kong next year and then to Milan will only make you a more independent person. but of course, being independent doesn't mean you can't feel homesick or miss your family.

    ReplyDelete
  2. SandyApril 8, 2019 at 12:52 AM

    I love how your parents raised you with such freedom. I think the first year was the hardest for me, too. But soon after that, the freedom was such a blessing.

    My mom still helicopters me. She made me the second mom to my sisters because she was too "tired" to teach them practical stuff. I hope that one day you're not stuck in a position like me. And if you find yourself like that, just pick up your stuff and move on. I truly admire your independence.

    ReplyDelete
  3. AngadsaysApril 8, 2019 at 2:06 AM

    Hey,
    I really like how your parents from a very young age, instilled in you the importance of being independent. It makes the transition to various settings in life (like college) more manageable. Good usage of a comparison to that of Alice.

    best,
    Angad

    ReplyDelete
  4. hannahApril 8, 2019 at 8:50 AM

    thanks for sharing! Independence is soo important and its great that you were able to start experiencing that at a young age. College is definitely a whirlwind and a huge change from our lives before it.

    ReplyDelete
  5. kuniApril 8, 2019 at 11:04 AM

    Thank you for sharing this! Having family nearby and being from California, I can't imagine what its like to be so far away for longer than a couple of weeks. Freshman year is such a trying time, but college is definitely a roller coaster. It was hard for me to leave all of my friends when I transferred from San Diego State after my freshman year, but it was certainly the best decision I've ever made. Amazing things happen when you go down the rabbit hole.

    -Scott

    ReplyDelete
  6. Free Your Mind!April 8, 2019 at 11:34 AM

    Kiki,

    This was so personal so thank you so much for sharing. I got chills at your metaphor with Alice in Wonderland, but honestly, I had goosebumps from start to finish. You know as an RA in your building, I completely understand where you are coming from and empathize with your struggle during your first few weeks of college. However, I have seen your growth throughout this year and I definitely have seen that level of independence get stronger and stronger. So proud of you.

    -Clifton

    ReplyDelete
  7. Livin' with LivApril 8, 2019 at 3:02 PM

    College can be definitely be a scary experience. I remember before coming to USC worrying about whether I would be able to settle in but now that I'm here I can't imagine being back in high school. I think getting adjusted is just something that takes time. Even though you're not with your parents this experience is allowing you to mature into an adult and will help you take your next steps in your life and in your career.

    ReplyDelete

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